Link's Quest to Significance
by OlegEqualzName
Summary: I think this classifies as a "crackfic" of a sort. I made it when I was really bored, and I doubt I will ever continue this atrocity... WAIT, episode 2 is out - I guess I was bored enough after all! (Rated T for... I'm not really sure, I can't even remember what I wrote)
1. Chapter 1

"**The Legend of Zelda:**

**Link's Quest to Significance"**

_**Chapter 1 – Introduction and the Flower Temple**_

It was an early morning. Everything seemed fine and dandy in the place that was commonly and nationally and internationally known as the edge of the Lost Woods. Sure, there might be a few nutty scrubs here, and some savage skeleton warriors there, but it was fine nonetheless.

In fact, it was so fine, it seemed the population had increased! An unsuspecting house seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. The truth was, however, that the house was always there. It was just that nobody had keen enough eyes to bother seeing it. Inside the unsuspecting house lived an incredibly insignificant boy. In fact, he was so insignificant, we didn't bother giving him any character traits or anything else like interests and family. In fact, we'll just wing that, and improvise some shit up.

The boy was snug and asleep, content in the land of dreams, which, by the way, have no significance on his character at the moment. We're still making something up. However, this... moment of sleeping wouldn't last, because just then, a blue, tiny fairy flew in through the open window. But, you might say, what can this tiny fairy possibly d-

"_HEY, HEY, LISTEN, HELLO, HEY, WATCH OUT, LOOK!_"

The boy punched at the fairy in blissful sleepy anger. However, he just missed and instead hit the wall near his bed. The force of his punch was so strong, the boy actually broke his hand. He moaned for a second, and rolled over, falling out of his bed, and onto to the very hard and splintery floor. Also, he fell face down, so splinters got stuck in his face and eyes, and it was very, _VERY_ painful, forcing him to finally wake up and clean himself up. The fairy was still there, seemingly eager about something.

"_HEY I'M NAVI DA FAIRY! I'M A FAIRY FROM THE LOST WOODS! ALSO I'M BLUE AND TINY, AND VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY CUTE... KEWAY. LOL._"

"...Hello to you too?" the boy began very confused-ish-ly, "My name is Link. Please leave this place?"

But Navi merely laughed very adorably, and continued, "_I NEED TO FIND DA HERO OF HEROISM SO HE CAN SAVE THE LAND FROM GANON THE EVIL KING!_" and she eagerly awaited an answer. Link, however, only looked at her with a frown on his face.

"You are just going to stay here and never leave?" Link asked. Navi the Fairy nodded so much she did a quadruple front flip and then a triple backflip. Unsuspecting fireworks suddenly appeared. Link sighed, "Well then, I guess I'm going to be the snarky, passive-aggressive guy then... But that seems kinda unoriginal and overdue. Do you have any recommendations for my character?"

"_YOU CAN BE THE GENDER-CONFUSED TRANVESTITE ELF-_"

"-Snarky passive-aggressive guy then. It's settled." Link said conclusively, "Okay, so what's the situation?"

Navi the super-adorable fairy thought for a moment, when she opened her mouth, the world around Link (which consisted of a very bland brown room) morphed into the image of Navi's words.

"Woah! Holy I'm-actually-aitheist! Your words have caused the world to undergo metamorphosis!"

"_NO BAKA LINK! THIS IS A FLASHBACK TO SIXTY EIGHT POINT FIVE MINUTES AGO!_"

"Oh."

"_WHEN I WAS IN DA WOODS DOING MY THINGS LIKE YELLING 'HEY LISTEN' VERY ADORABLY, I CAME ACROSS A GUY AND ANOTHER GUY WHO WERE VERY VERY VERY VERY EVIL! THEY MADE A PACT WITH GANONDORF-_"

"Wait, don't you mean 'Ganon'?" Link interrupted, Navi looked confused.

"_I DON'T RECALL! I CLEARLY CALLED HIM GANONDORK!_"

"Now you changed it again!"

"_WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I ALWAYS SAID GANONPORK!_"

"..."

"_...GANONFORK?_"

"..."

"_...AH WHATEVER HIS NAME IS GEORGE NOW, SO THEY MADE A PACT WITH GEORGE INSIDE DA WOODS AND ALL OF THEM LAUGHED VERY EVILY AND WERE EVIL. ONE OF DA EVIL GUYS SAW ME AND HE WAS REALLY MANLY, AND HE CHASED ME! I COULDN'T POSSIBLE JUST, YOU KNOW, FLY UP AND ESCAPE HIM WITH EXTREME EASE! I WAS CHASED INTO DA HOUSE, AND I THINK HE DIDN'T SEE DA HOUSE SO HE GAVE UP!_"

Link looked forth confused, "So what do I do?"

"_THEY TOOK OVER DA TEMPLE OF FLOWERS, WHERE THE FLOWER PRINCESS QUEEN FAIRY RESIDES! SHE IS NOW HELD CAPTIVE AND EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL MAGIC IS NOW FLOWING FROM THE TEMPLE!_"

"Oh okay, I guess I've got nothing better to then."

So with that settled, Link and Navi the Fairy teamed up, becoming an inseparable pair, glued together with love and friendship, which also worked as a power boost for Link. Whenever he would yell 'with the power of friendship!' his strength increased tremendously, and he would become ten thousand times stronger than he normally is. Oh, and also, Link was armed with a butter knife, because that was all he had.

The two headed off into the Lost Woods, and later that day they arrived at the Flower Temple, where there were flowers and what-not. Unfortunately for Link, the flowers tried to kill him, but didn't look evil, so he looked like a complete weakling, not to mention he looked extremely effeminate when he entered the Temple.

Inside the Temple there was only one room, with a crossword puzzle in the middle of it. Link went to the cross-world puzzle and solved it. Suddenly, a chest fell out of the sky and on top of Navi the Fairy. She died.

"Oh yes! Thank god!" Link gleefully said in response. However, Navi the Fairy was apparently behind him all the time.

"_NOPE THAT WAS A PINK FAIRY WHICH CAN RESURRECT YOU IF YOU DIE!_"

"Oh. What a shame." but Link couldn't come up with his first witty one-liner for the chapter, because the Boss Monster of the Temple finally appeared! It was a tiny little man who was very fat and blobby.

"Fancy meeting you here, senior Link and madam Navi! I am don Tingle the Russian fairy! Ich am here to stop you from vernieteging our plans!" the man named Tingle said. Navi the Fairy screamed out in shock. The scream lasted for what seemed like an eternity and two point four seconds.

"_OH NO! LINK HELP! THAT'S THE EVIL GUY WHO TRIED TO HAVE ME!_" Navi the Fairy said, very loudly. Link however, shrugged it off.

"He's no threat. He's... small and fat, I'm sure he's... er... damn, this snarky one-liner business is hard shit. I'm thinking about changing my character..."

Then Tingle shot Link, but didn't have any more lines because we don't have any more atrocious language use in our library of dialouge lines. Fortunately, Navi flew in front of Link and sacrificed herself. Too bad it didn't do shit, because the bullet just went happily through her, and still hit Link. Both fell to the floor, and nearly died. But then the Great Fairy... thing... er... what was it again? (Scrolls up) Oh right, the Flower Princess Queen Fairy appeared, and revealed a giant bazooka, which she used to shoot up Tingle.

"There we go. Peace has been restored to this Temple," she said calmly. Then she used her magic to revive both Link and Navi, "You two have bravely faced the challenges Tingle has set for you, and for your valiant efforts, I will both grant you a bit of my life force so you will gain the ability to use magic," and suddenly Navi and Link knew magic.

"Great," Link began, "But what can I do with my magic?" he asked curiously. The Flower Princess Queen Fairy laughed gently.

"Oh, you can now shoot butter from your butter knive, and Navi can now shoot Kamehamehas and Hadoukens from her mouth by saying 'Twinkle Star Beam'."

"_TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM TWINKLE STAR BEAM!_" and the temple was completely destroyed and the Flower Princess Queen Fairy died. Link laughed.

"Goddammit, serves you right you bitch! What am I supposed to do with butter!?" Link angrily yelled, but then he calmed down and sighed and didn't give a shit anymore, "...Say, now I think about it, what would happen if you tried to say 'Twinkle Star Beam' just after saying 'For the Power of Friendship'?" Navi the Fairy found this a great idea, and flew high up.

"_FOR THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP! TWINKLE STAR BEAM!_" and suddenly the next part of the story was revealed to our heroes. They had to venture forth to the Hyrule Castle, where they would meet Zelda, who would tell them what to do. They would set out to go there, but unfortunately, Navi's super-strong magic altered reality and made herself a really hot Hylian girl with blue hair who was initially a fairy. The reason for the transformation is because this story doesn't have enough sexual tension, and having a romantic fairy/hylian relationship would be kinda odd.

"_HEY LINK! LET'S GO ON A DAT-_"

"No."


	2. Chapter 2

"**The Legend of Zelda:**

**Link's Quest to Significance"**

_**Chapter 2 – At the moment of writing this I have no particular idea what I'm going to write so I'm going to improvise and write whatever the fuck comes to my mind**_

* * *

The ordeal in Whatever Woods was not overlooked by the mysterious remains of Tingle, re-animated by his sheer malice for fairies.

"D-damn..." his headless corpse managed to painfully sputter out, "If it weren't for that meddling plot-convenience of a..." **(hold on I'll go back to Chapter 1 to see what her name was)** "...Flower Princess Queen Fairy, I would've defeated Link, who is my enemy, rival and possible love-interest." The battered and bloody corpse crawled across the floor, slowly moving towards the exit, towards the shimmering light, towards vengeance...

Bang.

Tingle's corpse was shot down once more and he blew up into a million pieces. It was the Flower Princess Queen Fairy and her Bazooka, who used her super mathematics to count the pieces he blew up into (that's how we know it's exactly a million). The Flower Princess Queen Fairy looked at the corpse, sorrow in her eyes.

"But I don't _wanna_ clean this up..."

* * *

"Hey Link! Were are we going?" Navi the Hylian-who-was-previously-a-blue-fairy-but-now-she -was-Hylian-because-magic asked curiously. She was constantly bouncing around. However, she did break her legs twenty seven times already. This was due to her being only accustomed to flight, and now she was a Hylian (which, for your information, is basically a human with pointy ears. No, they're not elves. Elves are completely different. I would elaborate on that, but I know little about actual elves, so yes.

"Navi, please don't talk to me." Link sighed in irritation. Ever since he received the great gift of able to shoot butter from his butter knife, he was quite visibly pissed. He always rambled on about how butter was completely useless, and how it had no practical usage whatsoever. Of course, you could put it on bread. However, for that you would knew bread, and for whatever reason bread wasn't invented yet. Instead, the world of Hylians (which was Hyrule) ate grass and water. How would people be able to live on that? Well, Hylians evolved to only say _one, single_ thing in their entire live, and stand around in one, single place for their entire life. They were basically in a borderline coma and therefore had no need for food or anything of that kind.

"Hey Link! Let's have-"

"_Geez, Navi_! Seriously, stop asking me to have sex with you!" Link shyly angrily cut her off, "I'm like nine, ten! It's very inappropriate!" Navi was not ready to give up yet, though. She edged closer to Link.

"Oh come on! We're in a field in the middle of nowhere! Nobody would mind!"

"Navi, seriously, shut the fuck up! If you keep going on like that, the Universe will explode!" and Link was very much right, for if Navi continued to talk about such inappropriate things, FanFiction will ban me and I'll therefore will not be allowed to continue the story and thus the world will die. Of course, maybe the damage has already been done, but eh. I honestly don't care. I'll just make a different account if that happens, so yes. Then again, I could take up the rating, but I seriously don't feel like doing that. It would make it seem like this story was actually mature. Ah, whatever.

Link and Navi had no idea where to go, considering the Flower Princess Queen Fairy never ever told them where to go next. Such a predicament could only be solved by doing one thing: go everywhere, do everything, talk to everybody. If Link and Navi held themselves to these three edicts, success would be guaranteed. That is, if Navi didn't do anything stupid, which she would.

Either that, or she'd be written out of the story very cleverly.

Poof.

And Navi was gone.

Link looked around, bewildered. Some great, outside force just destroyed his partner. He readied his knife, but then he realized that he didn't care about Navi. Therefore he put away his knife and continued his way to that one castle with the giant demonic cloud hanging over it. _I'm sure that I'll find some clues at that castle with the giant demonic cloud hanging over it._ Link thought. Thus, that's where he went.

However, _suddenly..._ Link became unconscious.

* * *

The pain throbbed in the back of his head, and Link was not unconscious anymore. He woke up inside a prison cell of some sort. It was gloomy, and dead skeletons surrounded him. There was blood knee-high, because so many people died in here, and therefore there was a lot of blood.

"Oh god, where the hell am I!?" Link asked to no one in particular. He was clearly terrorized, but suddenly, he was no longer terrorized. "Oh never mind, this is just the plot advancing."

"That's right..." a mysterious voice responded from behind. Link gasped, because when he turned around, he saw no other than...

"'Sup. I'm a princess." It was Princess Zelda, the Princess of Hyrule who ruled over Hyrule. Link gasped in surprise, not because she was a princess, but because they looked so much alike. Like, seriously, imagine Link as a girl, with a different hair style in a dress and boom you have Zelda. **(brb, going out for lunch now)** Okay, er... back. I am back. Anyhow, narrative mode, activate!

"Incredible..." Link muttered eagerly as he eyed the Princess in bewilderment, "Seriously, we are related, right?" However, he did not receive an answer to his question. Her eyes were half-hidden behind streaks of hair, but from what Link could make out, he was 100% guaranteed that she was _not_ happy.

"You..." she began, still not happy, "...You appeared in my dreams, you know that?"

"Are you sure it wasn't just yourself in a green dress?" Link asked half-heartedly, "And again, are we related? Because, I'm seriously thinking that our relationship will not remain platonic, and I just wanted to know if it would be okay in the first place, you see." Zelda sighed, but eventually shook her head. Link had a dumb half-grin thing on his face, "Yay."

"Never mind that, you..." she interrupted gently, "You were supposed to defeat the evil forces of evil... Alas, something went wrong, and now we're both imprisoned in here. There's no telling what Ganondorf, the evil man from the desert who took over my castle, is doing at the moment... Just thinking about all the vile and evil things..."

"What kind of evil things?" Link asked curiously.

"He could be writing up a bad fan fic right now as we speak..."

"Hey, at least its not a high-school fic, eh?"

"Oh yeah, seriously, high-school fics suck really badly." Zelda whole-heartedly agreed.

* * *

Yes, by this point I got slightly less bored, thus I stopped. ^^


	3. Chapter 3

"**The Legend of Zelda:**

**Link's Quest to Significance"**

_**Chapter 3 – I'm stopped being bored so this is definitely the last one...**_

* * *

It had been seven years since Link, the young boy destined to be a Hero, was captured by an unnamed being and thrown into the castle dungeons, where he met the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda. Both of them had a lot to think about, thus they decided on things like... what their personalities would be like, what they would like for breakfast, and what shows they liked on television. In fact, they were so bored, they decided to marry, and the following four years transformed their little cell into a cozy living place, having a living room, kitchen, bedroom and a bathroom. Except there was still blood everywhere. They didn't really know how to get rid of that, so they just decided to ignore it.

"Hey Zelda," Link began as he waded through the blood, "I'm getting really bored again. Let's go through a divorce?" he asked innocently. Zelda, who was washing dishes, dropped a dish, which fell **(actually, you know what, I'm sick of having there be blood)** onto the blood-less floor and didn't shatter, because it was plastic. She turned around dramatically, random tear in her eye.

"...What?!" Zelda shockingly asked, "But we're having a decent life in here!" she argued in panic. Link nodded in agreement, but started to speak again.

"I know that, but, seriously, wasn't there something about..." and he thought for a moment, "I don't know, Ganondorf? Evil? Bad Fan-Fictions? You know, things we were supposed to stop and what-not. And besides, there's no reason for this relationship besides you being decently attractive."

Zelda sighed, and nodded in agreement.

"I guess you're right..." she said, "Unfortunately, there is no way out of this cell. Even if we did want to escape, we're stuck in here..." Link pondered on what to do, and then stepped towards the cell door. He gently touched it, and it simply moved open. Zelda looked shocked.

"Wow. Apparently it had been open _this entire time,_" Link said, "Kinda a waste of time. We could have went to a movie, eh?"

Link was the first one to edge outside. Zelda watched in awe, as she only had heard of Link's previous heroic and courageous exploits, but this was the first time she saw it in action. Alas, when Link was only a feet away from the door, an unwelcoming Moblin appeared as from nowhere. He proceeded to kick Link back into the cell and made sure the door was locked. Zelda sat down again and sighed.

"Dear me, now we can't escape..." she sadly lamented. Link thought about it for a while, and he looked up with a cocky grin – he had a plan, and it was awesome.

Unfortunately, just then, both Link and Zelda suddenly died from starvation. Heck, they had been in there well over half a decade, so clearly this would happen sooner or later.

Oh, and Ganondorf would rule the world with his unseen but incredibly cute secretary... who was her identity? Well... It was none other than...

"Hey Ganondorf!" Navi said joyfully. Ganondorf wasn't even bothered to look in her general direction, and simply sighed.

"What?" he asked in a gruff, sexy voice.

"Twinkle Star Beam!" she yelled, and before Ganondorf knew what hit him, a sparkling blast appeared that scorched him to the flesh, his scream of agony was evident as he died. Navi looked gleefully onto the corpse. She did it! She saved the world from Ganondorf! Never mind the fact she stalled her plan for seven years and let millions to death, she was a Heroin!

His last words were: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

* * *

Please, forgive me, kay?


End file.
